Write a short paragraph on the subject of your choice. Use a variety of
sentence types and lengths, with at least one exclamatory sentence that
clarifies or amplifies a declarative sentence. Comment on the effects
and the effectiveness of at least one other post. Due by Friday,
October 9th.
It was midnight. Stars were glimmering like diamonds on their velvet bed. The party was in full swing; dresses swirled like shimmering kites, and my heart vibrated in rhythm with the music. It was hot, and the air was heavy. Suddenly, at the end of the room, I saw him. He was looking at me, I thought. Time stopped. I sank into the blue of his eyes captivated by the curve of his lips, the curl of his hair, and the bright shadows moving around him. He was so handsome! And so far away… The crowd separated us; as everything else in the world.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your paragraph! It's rich in details, captivating and your last sentence is really intriguing. It definitely makes me want to read more!
DeleteI think you did a great job with the setting in order to get the reader to picture this crowded fancy room. Indeed, your use of short sentences is very effective, and often relates to time, which creates a parallel between the length of the sentence that grabs our attention and its subject that is also a measure. Furthermore, the point of view is internal which creates a deeper relationship with the reader and highlights the theme of isolation (because the speaker seems alone) vs the crowd, that seperates the speaker from another isolated person. Finally, I enjoyed your use of such rhetorical devices as similes or alliterations.
DeleteMusic is not only notes and rythms, voices on melodies, chorus and lyrics. Music is a way to translate emotions into sounds. Have you ever felt nostalgic or cheerful because of a song ? Even though it depends on the person's personality and life, the powerful effects it has on human's mind are incontestable. How moved are we when we listen to a touching music !
ReplyDeleteThis is not a scientific analysis, this is not a general truth that concerns every single person throughout the world, this is not an opinion meant to change your way of thinking , but this is an observation ; our mood can be unintentionally controlled by music.
In such a short paragraph, you managed to display most of the possibilities in which syntax can be used to convey meaning. I think your control of sentence focus was particularly effective, throughout your text the reader's attention always coincides with your subject matter, the power of music, thanks to the anaphoric repetition right from the start and the syntactic tension of your last sentence, building up until your final and most important word.
DeleteI think that your paragraph expresses the power of music and how passionate you are through an effective use of syntax. It conveys your ideas of music being a powerful way to get away from the real world. Your text actually combines several syntactic techniques which highlights how useful they are to give such effectiveness.
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ReplyDeleteThe leaves are cracking under your shoes' sole as you're facing the sun. The trees, majestic and half naked, make the remaining flowers of summer look almost insignificant. You've almost reached home, when two rain drops come freshen up your olive skin. Oh, how sweet is the beginning of fall! You take a deep breath... Isn't this season the best?
ReplyDeleteI really love the end of your text, the rhetorical question is definitely well used here and the punctuation fit with the idea you want to convey. Nevertheless, I think you could have added a very short sentence to emphasize the beauty of autumn.
DeleteI liked the way flowers contrast with leaves. Indeed, they both represent different seasons, and thus a whole set of different feelings. While the imagery of Autumn usually symbolises death, and a time of sorrow and sadness, Summer embodies merriment, and warmth. Therefore, I thought you gave a new insight in the season of Autumn, through your personnal feeling towards that season.
DeleteAny avid reader understands this feeling—reaching the point at which there’s no putting the book down : by that time, the world has already faded away, making place for another reality, a more intense one, filled with more colors, more sounds, every feeling, amplified. How beautifully tragic then—to become dependent of such a feeling! To realize, between worlds of color, that the one in which you used to live has turned a worn shade of gray, and to wonder… Has it always been this way?
ReplyDeleteIn one word: wow ! :D Even though I am not an avid reader, I understand the feeling you described throughout your paragraph thanks to the different word order (especially when you put "amplified" at the end of the sentence ;)), the repetition of the word "more" combined with the appeal to the senses, and the punctuation which really motivated me to continue reading ! :D
DeletePS: Your rhetorical question at the end is the icing on the cake ;D ^^
Your text, Alice, has extremely well lead my attention and interest where it needed to go! On top of being relatable, it is pleasant to read ans displays accurately how syntax can influence our perception of a text. I really appreciated the time I spent on your work, well done! ;)
DeleteWhen you can no more remember what happiness feels like, it is there. When you can no more recognize your smile, it is there. When you can no more see the sun, it is there. For it is always there, and it will always be. It gives you the courage to rise and to flourish. Faith, it is the source of all life !
ReplyDeleteOh, Eva, this is just beautiful. I'm smiling as I'm reading this, it's a simple yet striking text. It communicates so much optimism, partly thanks to the epistrophe “it is there”. A bright pieces of sunshine, you wrote, little Eva.
DeleteHappiness.
ReplyDeleteI am looking for Happiness – we play hide and seek. Hiding, is what she does; seeking, is what I do. Though I have sought in every possible place, yet found her have I not; her uncatchability is the result of Silence teaching her some useful but annoying skills.
Oh! If only she could give me a hint!
Still – I keep my determination to uncover her hiding place since she is my foremost hope to live peacefully.
Still – Happiness continues playing with us.
Still.
I love how this reads a bit like a riddle. The anaphora of “Still”, the chiasmus in your second–third?–sentence, it all helps to captivate the reader, making the text more fluent to the reading. I really like how you mixed up the playful atmosphere with one of mystery, too, Jinte.
DeleteI also really like your work Jinte. Like Alice, I like how you used the anaphora of 'still'. It expresses an obsession and determination to find happiness; however as the sentences with this anaphora shorten gradually, according to me, it seems like the speaker's hope to find it is becoming weaker even though the full stop at the end also conveys stubborness to keep looking. We can also feel the despair with the exclamatory sentence. Good job.
DeleteI like the way you personified happiness, I thought it was quite clever.
DeleteThere also is a great use of punctuation, I find it makes your text ambiguous whether it is optimistic or pessimistic, well done!
After squirming in a viscous straitjacket and cramming your mind with foreign terms - pressure gauge, air cylinder, regulator, buoyancy compensator ; you finally find yourself on the deck, a heavy mess of awkward tubes and tingling fear. Then a single step, and you loose ground. A simple tilt, and the world shifts. The roars and the fuss of our reality blend in a thick, soothing white noise, as the colors are delayed in a gentle palette. Even your clumsy self lightens as you evolve in long, harmonious moves... Oh, how glorious is this world of silence! A journey that for long will hearten you, when caught in the dull everyday grind you find yourself thinking : how I wish I could return down there!
ReplyDeleteI find your paragraph very beautiful! I like the way you oppose an oppresive and noisy everyday life with very long sentences and the quietness of the aquatic world with shorter sentences. Through your use of sentence length you manage to create different feelings and atmospheres. That's why I found your text really effective.
DeleteI absolutely loved your text, Emma! First, you did a perfect job on using synthax. Then there's everything else... The vivideness of what you describe, through either precise terms in the "real world" or the abundance of appeal to the senses as if they were amplified under water! It was fantastic! ( is it necessary to conclude with a "good job"?)
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ReplyDeleteIsn't falling asleep such an intriguing feeling? It is not about suddenly losing consciousness; rather, it is about gradually drifting away farther and farther until you reach another world. It is like diving off a cliff into water : first you close your eyes and jump without considering it... then, as you fall, the feeling intensifies and you ponder : what if? why? All you want is to reach the destination but you can't control it; thinking is all you do, if only you could cease! Cease imagining, cease analyzing, cease doubting, cease crying, if only-
ReplyDeleteAnd then everything stops.
You are engulfed into the wide nothingness and you dive further away,away,away.
I love your idea of thoughts about falling asleep. Indeed, it is a really strange thing and there are a lots of questions about it and I like the way you expressed it, with questions and hesitations. And with the short sentences we can see that it's a sudden thing. We can really notice that even if it's a scientific thing we can't stop wondering about how this is possible.
DeleteIn this paragraph, you succeded in playing with syntax to get from the reader the expected reactions. You begin with a rhetorical question that makes the reader consider the point that is made and go further in the reading. Then, you use a long sentence in which you created syntactic tension by delaying the syntactic closure and in that way, you achieved sentence focus. The two next sentences are also really long, maybe referring to the lenght of the process of falling asleep. In the third sentence, the sentence focus is achieved by reaching syntactical closure early, thus leaving the reader free to read the rest without urgency. You played with punctuation here too with an ellipsis and many commas and question marks, extending the sentence to make the reader feel the tireness of which you speak. The fourth sentence is particularly interesting as it is an exclamatory one, emphasizing your annoyance towards this unability to sleep. The comes a sentence of medium lenght wich consists of a repetition that enabled you to achieve sentence focus by making the reader concentrate on the word "cease" and its meaning. By cutting this sentence with a dash, you created a lot of suspence and the sudden fall of tension follows in the penultimate sentence which is really short, forestalling boredom. The repetition at the very end carries a sense of inevitability and distance that closes the pparagraph in a subtle way that could make the reader think about it more than if it was only one "away".
DeleteThe basketball player is a unique species.
ReplyDeleteTall, long and large, it has hands as big as plates; it does not even fit into a mugshot.
So high it jumps ! But very hardly falls, sometimes.
And although it is always running, it needs to rest from time to time - it does this by sitting down on a bench. Never does it run alone : always accompanied by five comrades - actually called teammates...
Someone directs it too. Like a machine. Well not exactly a machine, but a tad bit alike. It has by named "Coach", and this label is always followed by a surname. Which is unusual. Because if you don't know about it, it seems like every basketball player director has the same first name : Coach. Which is not the case. At all.
We can really feel your interest for this sport you practise in this descritpion and I appreciated it. The anecdote makes it even more realistic. You managed to play with different sentence lengths to keep the reader entertained. I liked the parallelism between the two short sentences "So high...sometimes" which emphasizes a strong devotion to this sport. The many exclamatory sentences conveyed a sense of action, like in a game of basketball.
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ReplyDeleteDisturbing the silence of the night, her heart was beating fast, she was breathing heavily, her whole body hurt so much but she couldn't stop running. They were near, she knew it! She could hear their footsteps behind her. Almost suffocating, she took a small empty road, only a street lamp making a white sick light. Suddenly she stopped! The road had no issue, it was too late! In a second, the man was here. A shot, a scream, blood, unbearable pain and everything became trouble. So was it the end?
DeleteI really enjoyed your text ! It was full of suspense and the end is very powerful. To end it with a question is very original and almost breath-taking ! It frees our imagination to think about what happened.
DeleteBeautiful - this is the definition of spring. Nothing is more pure and healthy than the freshening air of March. Spring is renewal! All those chirping birds, all those thickening foliages - every element revives from its wintery lethargy. Your whole body also evolves with the seasons. Your eyes see brighter colors. You smell a wide range of scents. The dull preceding months are gone - every one wakes up. But there is another side to Spring. Something you feel subconsciously. Something you only realize when Spring is gone. When you have entered the hot months of Summer, when you're in the effervescence of July or August; you only comprehend that what during those three months, you've only been longing for what you're currently experiencing. Spring brings you hope. The hope for somethin even better.
ReplyDeleteI really like your paragraph! It grabs the reader's attention from the beginning (with the word "Beautiful") all the way till the end (when you finally reveal to what you're referring <-- I really felt the need to continue haha ^^). And it is such a sweet and hopeful view/description ;)
DeleteI found this description very effective! Your short sentences somehow immerse the reader in a crisp, fresh atmosphere as you mention in the paragraph, and they also emphasize this idea of birth and renewal. On the other hand, the longer sentences reinforce how complete the description of the colourful scene is, and also hint at how long a year is, in that dragged-out sentence about summer at the end. Of course, the fact that you arranged the first sentence in order to make the word 'Beautiful' stand out really captured me from the start, and kept me reading until the end thanks to the anaphora with the word 'Something'.
Delete*something
ReplyDeleteSorrowful was her only mood when she had learnt the loss. Sorrowful, without any capacity of rediscovering hope, she was. She didn't take the opportunity to say him goodbye, now finding herself in complete perplexity and regret. There is nothing but a hole in her heart, a hole that won't be filled anymore ; nothing but an empty space. If only she would have forgotten the pain she has suffered from ! If only she could have forgiven him ! How foolish she was... -- But now it is too late, too late to regret, too late for being weak and saying goodbye.
ReplyDeleteFall, a season, indeed, but more than just the indifferent ebb of summer that some of our peers like to call, according to their immuable customs, autumn, a state of mind. Hasn't that first sleet of the schoolyear a particular scent of nostalgia, nor that buoyant mist an invigorating sense of excitement for the Christmas that is to come? Fall is a crucial juncture. Let's go outside and, what's more, wearing that sempiternal furry coat of yours to enjoy the intrinsic warmh in the bleak open-air. To the heated house, we'll go later! Its warmth and delicate pumpkin-spiced fragrances shouldn't appeal us. No! Let's appreciate again this freezing heat, this sorrowful blessedness; the contrasts of fall. It is a paradox, the reason why I like it. A fight with our comfort just making us more comfortable. Fall must last, but not fall.
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ReplyDeleteAlone in the crowd. Rush enveloping me. Alone am I in the shambolic heap of people every morning squeezing in to get on time where they were going. This manifold mingling of stressed managers and morose scholars, students filled with hope and cashiers filled with indifference, where were they really running? One may have a good grade. Another a dissmissal. I wonder if they are contented or unstatisfied. If there is someone missing them or if they are going forth to meet this person. All these existencies. All these paths. Pushing themselves into their routine, into their adventure. What an improbable patchwork of infinite lives gathered together as usual or once in a lifetime! What smalls things we all are wrapped up in all these great destinies...
ReplyDeleteYour use of different techniques on syntax is very effective and truly grab attention. The alternative lenghts emphasize your ideas, and the punctuation at the end let the reader thoughtful. This reflexion on people, this sense of solitude and the well-used syntax make your paragraph unforgettable !
DeleteI loved your paragraph Julie, the way you played with the sentences' length is very efficient, especially at the beginning when you start with too very short sentences, which really grabs the reader's attention. I also liked the way you changed the words order in the third line, it created a more original way of describing the scene. Your exclamatory sentence is also very efficient in expressing the narrator's feelings, and the ellipsis at the end emphasizes this reflective tone and really conveys the feeling that it is not finished, the reader can stop here and think about what you just said. Well done :)
DeleteShe is in front if her desk, not moving, not blinking, not thinking. How can it sometimes be so easy and thrilling to write, while other times it is just impossible to think of one single sentence to formulate on this white sheet of paper in front of her, except : "I'm an idiot and I'm too tired to lift my pen" ? Stupid, stupid brain that won't work ! As the minutes pass, then the hours, desperation and pressure increase, and she ends up knocking her head many times on her desk, telling herself that after all, she will never be able to do anything of her life if she can't even write one tiny paragraph... Suddenly, a spark of an idea comes to her mind. This little spark that she was waiting for, which lights up a fire, and all those ideas are now flowing in her brain, and she starts to jot down a few clumsy words on this white sheet of paper, clumsy words of which she's so proud, because it's far from being perfect but it's something; it's a beginning.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you have experienced it Ninon ! Your text is quite comic and everybody can feel concern. The question and exclamatory sentence highlight this tone. The fact that the shortest sentence is at the end makes stronger this idea of the beginning, and I thought it was an optimistic view of writing even with difficulties. We can all write something effective and you proved it ;)
DeleteShe was a dream-catcher. Everyday was filled with small moments of evasion where she could change reality into something else. Something better. Glancing out the window could throw her into a whole new world with giant colourful clouds, people dancing in the street and music notes flying in the air. Observing people to find out about their lives, their habits. What is he thinking ? What does she like ? Her favorite days were when she could hear someone talking on the phone. Imagine the rest of the conversation. They felt free to talk like they were on their own. Then she could guess who they were. How distracting it was ! They were her only way of escaping her own life.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your paragraph. The alternance between short and long sentences in the beginning really grabs the reader's attention. The use of interrogative sentences helps to convey the atmosphere of your text, as well as helping to give the reader something to relate to. You did a great job at using syntax to improve your paragraph. Well done.
DeleteI didn't really want to comment on something someone else had already talked about, but I couldn't really help it here. I loved your paragraph. The short, concise sentence at the beginning really catches the reader's attention, emphasising its unconventionality. You definitely used the exclamatory sentence well; it really cuts through the rest of your text because it makes your character's emotions seem very present and real, adding a personal element. I also like your use of non-verbal sentences, or sentences with no subject, which make your text a very interesting read. And I just lreally enjoyed your story, a kind of strange beautiful mix of happiness and sadness... thank you :)
DeleteHave you ever seen anything so beautiful, yet so oddly disturbing? So comforting, yet so unsettling? You could try to describe it again and again, and always find a different answer. Delightfully disconcerting. Thrillingly bewildering. Frustratingly perplex! You gawk at it, struggling to find words that could describe what you're feeling, and, without realizing it, you enter this new world. You get lost in the delicateness and the gracefulness, somehow finding your way into the violence and the harshness. You witness a mixture of distinct worlds, worlds so different from each other, but which always seem to find a way to bleed into each other, creating only one enormous confusing compound of mingled realms.
ReplyDeleteYou reluctantly come back to reality, aware that you are now bearing the knowledge of other dimensions, and you realize that, while you have been staring at the painting, it had been staring back at you too.
I thought that yours was very good Ondine, your use of vocabulary is astoundingly great. The syntaxe emphasises perfectly your text, putting the important element at the front of the stage. Your exclamation sentence is especially efficient, I really felt that conflicting feeling you have, and i think it adds on to the list of paradoxical emotions.
DeleteNever has there been a more warped comcept, a more fickle friend or a more mocking companion than Time itself. Time, that aged trickster! It leads yor life. But it's always slightly too far ahead, making it impossible to entirely keep up; and it constantly alters your vision and your judgement, bringing you to slow down when you should be running full pelt. We rely on time, but Time is prone to change. Never can you be right about being on Time - you're always one step behind. Or a step too far forward. And, just when it looks like you've finally caught up, it stops. You stop. Everything stops.
ReplyDeleteAnd the whole world grinds to a halt.
I liked your use of different types of sentences, either long or short and of punctuation. The idea expressed is interesting and well developed and this use of different length sentences makes us feel the actual shift in time. The last sentence makes it all and at this point we almost hold our breath. As it is speaking of time in everyday life we can easily relate to this (for me especially the part “you're always one step behind”^^). Good job !
DeleteThere’s something about the stars that makes me feel at home. It’s the same way you can listen to the most familiar tune and feel new emotions sweep over you, driving out the old to their beat; the same way you can be enjoying a book and suddenly find yourself falling, subtly, gently, into a world beyond your own; the stars make me travel. They pick me up and carry me through space, to places that don’t quite exist, that unfold in my mind and yet are there, just above my head, reaching out to infinity. Sometimes, when I can’t sleep, in the early hours of the morning, I go out. I lie down; I watch the stars, bright above me, revolving in the sky; and I think. When the sun comes back up, and I come back down, I stop and wonder, always the same question… And I always come back to the same answer: how dark we’d be, the world and I! Dark, and lonely.
ReplyDeleteAmazing Sophia ! I really liked your text and I absolutely love the way you described these feelings and strange sensations that I surprisingly relate to... Leaving in the city, I can't really go out at night to watch the stars but I can pretend watching them with the ones above my bed that glow in the dark. I think stars are such an interesting, mysterious and captivating "theme". You did a great job and your last sentences are very powerful and meaningful.
DeleteIt flows. It rolls. It breaks on dark rocks. The sea lives and homes life. This blue desert, nevertheless at the origin of life itself, contemplating us from its millionaire age, still allows man to live. This sea is so stable and so changeable. Its face is never the same; shaped by the wind, its peaks form its specificity, its identity, its fingerprint. It seems imposing and unshakeable? It is fluid and continuously travels, sometimes in a state, sometimes in another! It seems emotionless and quiet? It sometimes cries salty tears and rumbles an angry thud. It composes the majority of our habitat, yet its mystery remains ... O blue eyes so deep! O mystery veiled in mist! Whispers in my ear the secret you're hiding...
ReplyDeleteExcellent Augustin!
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ReplyDeleteI felt good, drifting, lead by the waves. I was waiting the right hap, the right roller that would push me the most far away from where I stand. But when looking away, all seemed tiny,little things that I could have took in my hand and I felt free. Yes, it was freedom ! I was release of authority, of impediment, of everything that was a thorn in my foot. The sensation was unequal. Then I finally decide myself to go home, and when reaching the beech, i understood. Surfing was my way-out of this world !
ReplyDeleteIt's maybe the 3rd, or the 4th bottle, I can't remember either way, so it's not like it matters. My mind is a mess. Thinking, spinning, and thinking again about the same thing I just forgot, my brain yelded a long time ago. My body is out of the question. Dancin' all night really wear you out. My fingers numb, my legs not responding, I hardly reach my phone and catch a glimpse of the screen : 00.30 or 1.30 am ... can't read straight ! But there one thing for sure, and that is I'm happy, awfully happy. And I can tell you people, parties like that rock the house !
ReplyDeleteVery interesting, I like the way you described the effects of drinking too much, especially the "thinking, spinning, and thinking again about the same thing I just forgot". Pure genius.
DeleteMy grandmother was a gardener. She was so accomplished at it that people said she had a "green thumb". She used to have plants all over her house, in the kitchen, the living-room, even the bathroom! They were the sweetest smelling plants anyone had ever smellt, and their leaves tasted so good. She always taught us that there were many things that plants could heal and make better... Sadly the police didn't adhere to that point of view and she was arrested as a marijuana dealing hippy.
ReplyDeleteI used to live down Kings Road in Manchester.
ReplyDeleteYou see, every week I would go to my grandmothers and she would give me 10p... Those were the days!
I would go to the sweety shop down the lane and I could see hundreds of jars filled with all sorts of candy. I would then enter the shop and a man in a funny uniform would say:
-"What can I get you, son?"
-"10 p sir!" I would answer.
I would then get a bag full of sweets and go to the laundry for mum. "Curly Wurlies", "Double Deckers"... I was happy!
This is what you could get for 10p at the time! Those were the days!
Nobody. Nothing left. Only an empty question and a sour taste. Echo, is the only voice coming back. Shadow, is the only friend that I have. Oh, am I homeless ! For years and years of building have been reducted to dust in the blink of an eye. Where are you now that I need you ? You, who bulstored me, and showed me the right path. You, who I wouldn't be the same without. You. With your approving face and comforting arms. You, who I can only see the back of, in a time when a smile is a luxury I, apparently, cannot offer. Which road to take? Who shall I trust, in a world where you aren't here. In a world where I can no longer ask; Will you be my hero ?
ReplyDelete